The Garrett Lerner Interview
Di SaraM
Many moons ago, I got an email from Garrett Lerner, who was very pleased that I gave an episode he wrote a good grade. I as well was very pleased, since I had no idea anyone associated with the show actually read my recaps. I immediately asked him for an interview, and he agreed! That was very nice of him, both because he is a very busy being the Co-Executive Producer of House, and because I have never actually interviewed someone before, and my nervousness and coherence were inversely proportionate. (Nervousness = lots. Coherence = nots.) Seriously, playing this thing back on my little recorder has made me consider never speaking again. Luckily, Mr. Lerner was very patient and had a lot of cool things to say, including how you can go bowling with Lisa Edelstein and Omar Epps and get your very own autographed Ball Of Unknown Origin! Read on:
Sara M: So, who are you and what do you do?
Garrett Lerner: I'm the co-executive producer on House along with -- I work with a partner -- Russel Friend. We've worked together since film school, and part of that job is writing the scripts. Another part of the job entails actually producing the episodes where you go on location scouts, casting, sitting on the set, and just basking in the glow that is a gigantic hit television series.
SM: How'd you get started in the business?
GL: I went to film school at USC, which is where I met Russ, and we broke in on a fantastic show called Martial Law.
SM: Oooo, Martial Law! With Sammo Hung!
GL: Sammo Hung, Arsenio Hall, the very one. That was our first gig, and then we went through sort of a sci-fi phase. We worked on Roswell, which is actually where I first heard of Television Without Pity. I remember the recaps were very funny, and most of the writers did not appreciate them.
SM: Oh, I'll tell Djb you said that. The first part, anyway.
GL: Yeah, I really enjoyed his recaps, but I enjoyed them so much I thought everybody could appreciate getting slaughtered.
SM: And they didn't.
GL: I did it only twice before I learned my lesson, but I would take the recap and read it to the other writers and they would basically just get angry. I stopped that pattern of behavior pretty quickly and realized I should enjoy them in private.
SM: Well, at least you liked it. So what did you do besides Martial Law and Roswell?
GL: We touched on John Doe, Smallville, Boston Public. Two years ago, we did LAX, and then finally got on House, which was, I think, our tenth show, and the first time we actually landed on a hit show. Which is a fantastic feeling -- to be doing something that's really so good, and to work with actors that are so good. It's delightful.
SM: How did you move up to Executive Producer?
GL: Generally, what happens is you start as a staff writer, which we did on Martial Law, and as you go through the business in successive years, you eventually get promoted to story editor, co-producer, producer, supervising producer, co-executive producer. When you're a staff writer, generally, you just kinda write your script, turn it in, and sit back and wait for your name to appear on TV and call your mom. It's a bit more of a grind, then, ultimately when you become creator and executive producer. You're responsible for every single script and basically turning in a fantastic episode every eight days. I think it's one of the greatest challenges there is in writing.
SM: Do you have a personal favorite House episode?
GL: My favorite episode is "Autopsy."
SM: Very nice.
GL: Larry Kaplow wrote that last year, and it won the Writer's Guild Award, and I think it was the episode we sent in to the Academy that ended up helping us get selected for an Emmy nomination. That episode was just so beautiful and just...um...it hit emotional places that it's so rare to be able to get to in forty-two minutes. I have others I like for different reasons, but that one, as a whole, kinda just blew me away when I saw it.
SM: And that's the one with Elvis Costello at the end?
GL: Right -- one of the producers, John Mankiewicz, was friendly with Elvis Costello and got him to cover the song. And it was just surreal to hear Elvis Costello cover a Christina Aguilera song. That and "Three Stories," which equally blew my mind. That one won the Emmy, so we're in some good company. David Shore has raised the bar incredibly high and challenged us all to come anywhere near it. That's the challenge every single week.
SM: Now that David Shore has another show in development, how involved is he with House?
GL: He's there all the time, every single rehearsal, and he's been on every single rewrite of every script. I mean, he is the voice of the show and has not given way [on House] to move onto other things. He's completely there and it's completely his baby.
SM: What's your least favorite episode?
GL: You can't do that to me.
SM: You don't have to answer.
GL: I don't have a least favorite. They are all fantastic.
SM: They are all awesome.
GL: That's like which is your least favorite child.
SM: Oh, I think I could have a least favorite child.
GL: [laughs] Yeah, actually, maybe I do.
SM: I think I could pick one out.
GL: I wouldn't want the other one to hear about it.
SM: I won't tell. You know, even the episodes I personally haven't liked as much have always had at least one great moment that makes them worth watching. That's a pretty amazing thing to do, actually.
GL: Thank you, and that's rare in TV. We hit a groove in the second half of Season 2 where it was just coming in so good, one after another, and I feel like we're hitting that groove again in Season 3, so I'm really excited for the shows to start airing [again] because it's just amazing how the quality stays so high. The show is just in such a groove right now, and we just have to keep this ball rolling as long as possible.
SM: Hey, speaking of balls, I know you wanted to mention an upcoming charity event that involves a certain famous ball...
GL: Yes, thank you. The Zeke Lerner Celebrity Bowl-a-Thon is held once a year, and we have set it up so that the TV fans get to come out and bowl with their favorite celebrities. Lisa Edelstein and Omar Epps are coming this year, along with Kevin Sorbo, Dr. Will and Mike Boogie from Big Brother, Brendan Fehr and Nick Wechsler from Roswell, and many others. TV memorabilia, walk-on roles, and even lunch with celebs are up for auction at the event, and we feel like it's a great way to raise money and offer the fans a pretty unique experience. Anyone in the L.A. area this weekend should come on down.
SM: And you've got something from House up for auction too, right?
GL: Last year, I secured House's cane, which we auctioned off for over $8000. This year I got the ball -- what do you guys call that ball, the giant ball?
SM: They call it the Ball Of Unknown Origin (BOUO).
GL: Yes, we have an autographed BOUO.
SM: Wow, people have been clamoring for that in the forums. That'll be very popular.
GL: So a chance to obtain a one-of-a-kind item is coming up very soon, all for a good cause.
SM: And why is this cause so important to you?
GL: My wife and I went through a diagnostic mystery of our own about five years ago with our son Zeke. He was an extremely happy baby, always standing in his crib, greeting you with a smile when you came to get him in the morning. One day, the smile was still there but he was no longer standing. Instead, he was on his knees. After a few more weeks, he wasn't even on his knees any longer. He couldn't get himself up. His crawling slowed. He was obviously getting weaker. It took five doctors over four months before Zeke was finally diagnosed with a disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. In the most basic terms, the lines of communication between the brain and the muscles break down, causing the muscles to gradually weaken over time. We were told that Zeke would never walk, that he would probably develop scoliosis, and that he would require spinal surgery. His muscle weakness would gradually increase, and it could eventually affect the most basic things like swallowing and breathing. Most painful of all was when we were told that there was no treatment, and no cure. A lot has happened in the last five years. Zeke is currently enrolled in a drug trial as doctors and researchers are developing the first ever treatment for Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Families of SMA helps to fund that research. We have never been able to use Spinal Muscular Atrophy in an episode of House because we always want our doctors to not only make the correct diagnosis, but to be able to do something about it. Our goal in raising money for Families of SMA is to get the medicine to the point where we can actually help these children and their families.
SM: And go bowling with Foreman and Cuddy at the same time! Or win an autographed BOUO...actually, do you know where that giant tennis ball came from? Maybe we can change it to a Ball Of Known Origin (BOKO).
GL: The funny thing is, in real life, it is a Ball Of Unknown Origin. I guess they got it for the pilot and some time during Season 1 -- there was only one; usually with props, you have multiples of everything in case something breaks or whatever, and there was only one of that -- it went missing. Somebody lifted it, maybe absent-mindedly, but probably not. Anyway, it went missing, and either there was a different prop master by that time or somehow nobody knew where it came from, and nobody knew how to get a replacement. So what ended up happening was -- because House needs that thing, he holds it when he's thinking -- the prop department ended up having to make matching Balls Of Unknown Origin because nobody could find where the original came from.
SM: Wow, so they are unique.
GL: They are unique, they're a bit heavier than the original tennis ball. This one doesn't quite bounce as well, which I think has made it very difficult on Dr. House to bounce when he's thinking. It doesn't quite have the loft anymore that it once had.
SM: As long as he can keep doing the lacrosse moves with it, I'm happy.
GL: And that is all Hugh Laurie. He comes up with a lot on the set. All of House's mannerisms and the stuff he does with the cane and the ball. There was an episode where he had set up CD cases all around his desk and played, like, dominoes with them.
SM: Oh, yeah.
GL: That was Hugh's idea. He really channels his character and comes up with fantastic things. He juggles and delivers lines of dialogue that, you know, I don't know how he gets out of his mouth while doing an accent and holding a cane. It's pretty amazing to watch him work.
SM: How much does Fox lean on you to make your lead character a more likable guy or try to cash in on his sex appeal?
GL: They really actually have been fantastic about not giving the expected network notes. When you center a show on a central character, you're gonna want to make him nicer, you know, they never gave that. They have supported us from the beginning. David [Shore] said -- I was not with the show Season 1, I just came on Season 2 -- that Fox has been fantastic from the beginning, and then since I've been there, I haven't seen anything. The network notes are always just about the story; clarifying, making sure the points we're trying to make are completely clear and never ever pushing us in a direction that we don't wanna go, so we've been really lucky that way.
SM: One of my favorite things about House is that there's always an ambiguity with the patients and the characters. Like, there's rarely a right or wrong or a perfect person or an entirely evil one. So the viewers are left to see things the way they want to instead of having it dictated to them. That's rare to see, especially in TV.
GL: Yeah, Fox definitely allows us to live in the gray areas, which I think is what makes this show so interesting -- we're drawn to ethical dilemmas, we're drawn to gray areas, we're drawn to questions that don't have simple answers.
SM: Are we going to see more ramifications from House's shooting, or is that done with?
GL: Yeah, I'm not a big fan of spoilers. I can't give any. You want to get everything perfect and you want to present it as a surprise and you want to audience to go along for the ride and it's a little bit of a bummer when you know that they know what's coming. You work really hard to craft things in certain ways and to have surprises and be surprised. So don't push me for spoilers. I won't give any.
We talked a little bit about spoilers and how the internet has made it so difficult to keep things secret, which led to talking about relationships on the show and how some fans align themselves with certain character pairings.
SM: Do you want to see House with anyone on the show?
GL: Am I a "shipper"? Is that's what you're asking?
SM: Oh, wow, you used the lingo!
GL: Yeah, I learned the lingo on Roswell; that was where my eyes were opened to the passionate fans. It was Max and Liz, and then Tess came into that, and man, it got ugly. It got bloody in that triangle. Um, no, I can't...I think House and Wilson would be fun, but, uh, just, uh...
Unfortunately, I didn't hear this last comment and thus didn't react to this, which made things awkward.
GL: I'm kidding, of course. I don't know if sarcasm translates to an interview.
SM: No, sorry, I'm an idiot. My bad. Go ahead. Sorry.
GL: I don't know yet. I like ambiguity.
SM: I prefer to believe that House and Cuddy might have done it once in the past sometime.
GL: I also like instigating fights so I try to have House bounce back and forth and get all the shippers mad at each other.
SM: You're doing a great job with that, that's for sure. Is House your favorite character on the show?
GL: House is probably my favorite character on television in the last ten years, so he's absolutely a treat to write for, because you get to basically be an ass on paper and sort of channel your twelve-year-old self -- and what's more fun than that?
SM: So after House, who's your favorite?
GL: Um...see, that's the favorite kid question again. But I was heavily involved in the two-part episode, and Omar was fantastic, so I definitely have an affinity for him after that episode. But, you know, I love all of our actors. I mean, the quality of acting on our show is just ridiculously high. Russel and I sort of like to switch it up: I think our first episode we did was a bit Cameron-heavy; we did a two-parter which was very Foreman-heavy; and we did Episode 2 this season where Chase was sort of front and center. So we sort of like to work everybody into the mix. And then, you know, Wilson and Cuddy, of course, are ever-present.
SM: Can you sum up each character in a few sentences?
GL: Uh...okay. That's a hard one. I like that Foreman has a quiet intensity and I love the fact that we sort of think of him as a House-in-training with a lot of the characteristics of House. I think he would never believe that he's going to be like House -- he would be offended by that notion -- but in our minds, he actually is the most like House. Then there's Chase, who really wants to be House, aspires to be like House, but really sort of never could. And Cameron is [a lot of] fun to write for because I think, over the three seasons, she's had the most noticeable arc. I think she's most noticeably being changed by working with House.
SM: Hmmm.
GL: She's gone from somewhat naïve, wide-eyed student to a much harder-edged, much stronger woman.
SM: I like her better that way.
GL: I think you'll like some of the stuff that's coming up as well with her. And Wilson's the Greek chorus and he's House's conscience. And Cuddy's just...Lisa Edelstein can do absolutely anything, so, she's fantastic. You know, she can stand up to House, give it right back to him. She can be tender, she can be hurt, she can be strong...I think she's probably [the favorite character for] a lot of people I've talked to. It's a powerful role.
SM: I love Cuddy. She cracks me up.
GL: Is she your favorite character?
SM: Yeah, well, House is, of course, and then after that...I always enjoy watching Cuddy's scenes. So yeah, I guess she is. I'm mad at Wilson this season, so he'd better redeem himself.
GL: He's uh, he's trying something. Which is all well-intentioned, but maybe going a bit awry.
SM: But on the other hand, you know, after two seasons of Wilson being a bit of a doormat to House, letting him get away with so much, maybe it's good to see him give a little back.
GL: I think so, too. It's sort of an opportunity Russel and I have never had because we've sort of bounced around, show to show, and frankly, most shows just didn't stick around long enough to do this, but tracking characters over seasons is a very cool experience. You can watch an evolution, you can track an evolution over the course of years, which is much more like real life.
SM: Yeah, definitely. It makes you more attached to the characters, certainly.
GL: And I think if Wilson [were] the same guy in Season 3 that he was in Season 1, people would be bored, so we try to make sure everybody evolves within the context of our case-a-week medical story.
SM: How do you see House changing? I mean, there are certain things I don't know that you can ever change with his character. I don't know that I would like him if he became a nice guy or lost the cane and the drugs.
GL: Yeah, that's a good question, and what we sort of explored in Episodes 1 and 2 here. Ultimately, we're not gonna have him turn into a nice guy and a bore. He is who he is. And we love him for it.
SM: How big a part of his character do you think the Vicodin addiction is? You know there are actually people out there who don't even think he's addicted to Vicodin.
GL: Uh...well...I would say that they're wrong without getting into too much, but I think we explored that in another one of my favorite episodes, "Detox." He admitted that he was an addict in that episode.
SM: Yeah, I don't know what more you can say there. That seems pretty definitive.
GL: And he seemed to break that addiction in Episodes 1 and 2 this year, but that was accompanied by, you know, the complete lack of leg pain. And when the leg pain returned at the end of Episode 2, it was a bittersweet moment for him to pull that pill bottle back out of his jacket, back out of his closet and reintroduce that into his life. And it's going to be a big part of his character still throughout Season 3.
SM: So what's the set like? How does everyone get along?
GL: It's a good set in terms of [not having] doctors fighting one another. Or maybe that's good publicity, maybe we should. I'll see if I can instigate something tomorrow.
SM: If you can get Hugh Laurie and Jesse Spencer to wrestle, that'd be fine by me.
GL: Oh. I was thinking maybe Cuddy and Cameron.
SM: Yeah, well, I can see why you'd be more interested in that.
GL: That's where Grey's got it wrong as a publicity stunt. It would've been a much bigger story if it [were] Meredith and Izzie.
SM: Oh, yeah. If they had fought. In mud. And their clothes somehow fell off. That'd be huge publicity!
GL: Huge story!
SM: So what are the actors like in real life?
GL: They're one of the best groups I've ever been around.
SM: Nicer than Sammo Hung?
GL: Sammo, I honestly, I have no idea because he didn't speak English. He could've been nice or he could've been a complete bastard and I wouldn't have known. But he appeared nice around me. I mean, he never kicked me or anything.
SM: Which is good, because he can kick hard.
GL: Yeah. But on our cast, you've got actors who've been doing it for so long. Hugh's been twenty years, Robert's been twenty years, Lisa's been acting forever, so it's really nice because they're all so professional, they all take it so seriously, and they all have a really good rapport with one another, so [on] the set, you know, everybody's just professional; they all get along and it's a pleasure that way.
SM: PPTH sure has a lot of windows and balconies. Is that because it's in New Jersey and therefore supposed to look like a mall?
GL: That's a good question. I was not yet a part of the show [when the set was designed, so] I'm not privy to the decision why that was. And I've also never been to New Jersey or the entire Northeast, really, so I guess, to me, that whole world is Florida and it's just fine. For someone who's from Florida, balconies make perfect sense.
SM: The balconies do make sense, and I love how you add one to the set every season.
GL: I like that. I mean, part of that is truly a function of becoming a hit show: you're able to expand your set. And [I hope] in a good way -- I like making use of the balcony up above the lobby that's new in Season 3, and it's not as if it hadn't been there before; I don't think it's a problem with consistency. I think we've never looked up there before and now that it's there. We can actually stage scenes up there and have people throw things down at people.
SM: Ha! I loved that scene.
GL: Yeah, and I believe we'll be doing more of that, because what else can you do when you have a second floor besides bother people below?
SM: So when you're writing the show, do you use any real-life influences?
GL: Into the characters or into the stories?
SM: Both.
GL: Uh, not into [House's] character. I can't say I've ever met anyone exactly like Dr. House.
SM: That's probably for the best.
GL: I try to think about how I used to behave toward my sister when we were growing up, that's pretty much how I write House. I don't think she ever appreciated it that much, but it's paying off. Clinic stories, a lot of times, come from real-life experiences or something doctors have told us. Certain medical beats come from personal experience. My dad's on death row, that's were I got that idea.
SM: Really?
GL: No.
SM: Wow, I was like, "Uh oh, that's heavy." So your dad is LL Cool J. How do you get the medical facts for the show? I know you have some doctors on staff to help out, right?
GL: Yeah, there's Dr. David Foster, who is now also a writer for the show.
SM: He wrote the Joel Grey episode.
GL: Yeah, that one, and he wrote "TB or Not TB" and "All In" as well last year. He wrote some fantastic episodes, and he's also absolutely crucial in helping us come up with our stories. And then, to be able to construct these stories, we end up consulting six, seven, eight doctors.
SM: Wow.
GL: 'Cause we have a hard time constructing a mystery when [we] have no idea what any of the medicine means or what any of the bacteria are.
SM: How does that work, exactly? Do you start writing an episode with a disease you want to use and then build everything around that, or do you have the episode you want and then try to find a disease that'll fit in it?
GL: Russel and I, we've sort of done every possible version of constructing a story. The very first one we wrote was the Death Row episode, "Acceptance," and the idea was, "Would you bother treating someone who was on Death Row?" And we worked from there. That, to me, was just an intriguing question. And of course House is going to [treat him] because [House is] intrigued by the mystery, so he's gonna do it. But the drama would come in how well the doctors around him reacted to having to treat a four-time murderer. And then Russel had the idea for "Skin Deep," and that idea was the disease. Russel's first notion on that was, "What if there was a girl who has testicular cancer?" So we started with the disease on that one and then worked backward. And this year, Russ just wanted to somehow combine The X-Files with House, and then the disease came a bit later. [On] that one, we had to rely quite heavily on Dr. Foster, and a little pitch-in from Larry Kaplow, on the disease in kinda making that whole thing work medically to be able to realize this UFO dream.
SM: I think it worked.
GL: Cool. Yeah, it was fun. And Dan Sackheim directed the episode, and he was heavily involved back on The X-Files, so that was sort of an extra treat -- to have Dan directing that episode. I was really happy with it, I thought it came out really well.
SM: Well, any time you have something being inserted into someone's eye, you know it will be an effective episode.
GL: That was incredible. You film it -- here's a little peek behind the curtain -- there's no needle there at all when you film it. And then the CGI, our computer techs, put in this amazing effect where, oh my god.
SM: So I know you've been on the set since, like, 6 in the morning today. Are all the days really long like that?
GL: The days are long; that's just the beast of television. You know, the harder task than coming up with a great script every eight days is actually filming one every eight days. So you kind of use every minute you can that's humanly possible and, you know, the crew -- I have the utmost respect for [them], just the amount of hours they put in, because I know at the end of a single episode, I'm completely exhausted and feel like I need to hibernate, and our crew just keeps going on to the next one, on to the next one, and they're just amazing.
SM: Yeah, you guys are doing sixteen-hour days, pretty much, right?
GL: Not quite that, but long. Thirteen, fourteen hours.
SM: I'm curious, what did you think of the Stacy character? She was a big part of Season 2, which is when you started working on the show.
GL: Yeah, I was a fan of some of the stuff she brought. I mean, through her we got to see a different side to House. I'm generally a fan of having a window into different parts of House. And she was a big part of "Three Stories," and that was sort of inspired by her reappearance, so without Stacy we may not have had that episode. And Sela [Ward] was fantastic, but as it went on, you sort of realized we don't want to have House live in a vulnerable place, because it's starting to take the edge off a little bit. So I was happy to have her, and then I was also happy to have House sort of reemerge and start hitting Wilson in the leg with his cane. So it was fun to be able to put that edge back on him after she was gone.
SM: Which then kicked off, as you said, some great episodes in the second half of Season 2. We also saw that when House regained his edge in this season after spending the first two episodes seeming happy, only to lose his leg again.
GL: It was, yeah, it was fun exploring that terrain and it was equally fun take his cane back off the shelf at the end of Episode 2.
SM: Yes, that was an awesome, beautiful scene.
GL: We know House is gonna be House and that's how we want him, [and] whom we're riveted to.
SM: It's tricky, because while we like the character and want to see him finally be happy, we also like him best when he's being House, which means with the pain and the cane. So it really was, like you said, a bittersweet moment to watch.
GL: It's true, it was. And very well-directed, I thought. By Daniel Sackheim.
SM: And when we will be seeing Evil Nurse Brenda in the opening credits?
GL: Oh, I'm a big fan of Nurse Brenda.
SM: Yes!
GL: That's a good question, she's definitely a favorite of all the writers.
SM: Yeah, she's gotten some great moments so far this season.
GL: Yeah, "The Artist Formerly Known As Gimp" was a good one. She played a big role in Episode 3 and she's definitely present a lot in Eeason 3. We really enjoy writing for her.
SM: This is great news.
GL: Are there any House/Brenda shippers out there?
SM: Yeah, I think I'm one, actually.
GL: Yeah?
SM: Yeah, I think that could work in a weird way. It could be a fun couple of episodes -- maybe have them hook up once and then hate each other and snap at each other in hilarious ways.
GL: All right, I'm gonna run that by the group.
SM: Yes, excellent. Do you have any dream diseases that you're just waiting to find a way to work in?
GL: I don't want to tell you the one I'm working on now because I wouldn't want to spoil it, for one, and also because it's sort of in a very massive state of development and it's really hard to talk about when you don't quite have your mind fully around it. But it's kind of terrifying as a writer because [it's not] like, "Yeah, I got ten diseases I just can't wait to write about!" You don't really have that in you. On other shows, you might have stories you really want to tell, but I don't think I have a whole line of medical mysteries burning a hole inside of me that I can't wait to get out on paper. But then, on the backside of that equation, it's one of the most gratifying things when you're able to pull one of these stories together because it is such an incredible challenge.
SM: Do you have a favorite disease we've seen so far? I know the girl with testicular cancer was a good one of yours...
GL: Yeah, I was quite fond of that episode. That's the one you look for that's hard to find, but when Russ said to me, in one sentence, "I want to do an episode where a woman has testicular cancer," it's like, "So done. I get it. I think the whole episode sounds fantastic, let's do it." And that's kind of what we're out there searching for, reading some obscure medical journals hoping for another disease that's been covered in one sentence that makes perfect sense and you can sort of see the whole episode. They're a bit harder to come by, especially now -- I think we're writing almost up to Episode 60, so it gets harder and harder.
SM: Yeah, you sort of have to combine the diseases sometimes, where you've got them working against each other to conceal symptoms and make them hard to diagnose. I mean, eventually you've got to run out of single diseases that are hard to diagnose, right?
GL: Yeah, you've sort of nailed us on one of our tricks that does sort of help you get through an hour, when one disease obscures another disease. But out of all the scripts that still have not aired yet, we still have managed to come up with fresh things. You keep expecting [that] you're gonna run out each successive episode but then they keep coming up with them. Most of the way through Season 3, we have the diseases, and so far they're still unique to one another.
: Do you watch those shows on Discovery Health Channel to find ideas for diseases?
GL: A lot of the writers do. I have sort of shied away from it because it feels like a bit like the snake eating its own tail. I feel like those shows came about because of House and then if House is watching those shows to come up with stories...so we try [to] look, I don't even know exactly where. Sometimes we'll be reading an obscure medical article that's hard to make sense of and hard to stay awake through, quite frankly, and five pages into this garbled nonsense, there's a sentence that inspires an entire episode. So that's where we're digging now.
SM: Do you find yourself becoming more interested in medical stuff because of this show, or less?
GL: I have a unique skill to study it, learn it, know it, and then flush it and it's gone. I cannot retain that stuff, and I'm quite okay with that. When I leave work, I'm happy to be away from it.
SM: Okay, so, my grandma is a fan of the show and I told her I was doing this interview and asked if she had any questions for you. She wants me to tell you to please make the characters speak louder and slower. Although I don't think that's a problem for viewers under seventy.
GL: I have been on Hugh about that -- I did tell him your grandma said that already today. And he said, "Tell her to use the closed captioning."
SM: Unfortunately, my grandma hasn't yet mastered that technology. Much like she doesn't seem to have mastered the technology of her hearing aid...
GL: Well, there are pretty pictures to look at. You don't need to hear anything.
SM: Yes, there are some beautiful pictures. Like balls exploding.
GL: Yes, yes. So she can watch for that. And I'll tell Hugh tomorrow and I'll continue telling him every day after.
SM: Thanks, she'll appreciate that. Are there any dream guest stars you'd like to see on the show? I mean, you've definitely had some great ones so far.
GL: That is probably one of the most fantastic things about being on a hit show -- the talented actors that will come just to do a single episode, I mean the fact that we got LL Cool J and Cynthia Nixon; coming up later this season is John Larroquette.
SM: Oh, really? I love him! I love all the Night Court people. You had Mac on last season.
GL: Yeah, Larroquette's incredible, and we just worked with Patrick Fugit, who was the star of Almost Famous; he's incredible. I don't really have a list of people I want to work with, but it does seem like they're within reach; when we do write a part and start to imagine who that part may be, you've got a legitimate shot of working with that actor, and it's so exciting.
SM: Okay, well, I think that's everything I've got; is there anything else you want to say?
GL: Keep enjoying the show and keep snarking away.
SM: Yeah, I really do like the show. It's kind of unfair, but I grade it on a curve, because otherwise all the grades would probably be "A"s, which is boring.
GL: I take great pleasure in that,' cause you've actually given me "A"s before and that's like an uninvented letter.
SM: Man, what the hell am I doing? I used to hate the teachers who would never give "A"s and now I've turned into one. I'm my nightmare teacher.
GL: But then you feel very special when you get an "A" from that person. You've been very kind to Russel and [me].
SM: And I'll tell you what, I didn't know you were reading them, so you definitely got a genuine "A." Congratulations! House is kind of the opposite of recapping 7th Heaven for me, because I couldn't give every episode of that show the "F" it deserved, so I was basically giving out varying degrees of "F"s with my grades. So you're getting varying degrees of "A"s most of the time there. A "C" for 7th Heaven is much different than a "C" for House. Also please keep in mind that I have no idea what I'm talking about, so the grades are pretty much irrelevant anyway. I'm thrilled to hear that anything I've said in my recaps has had any effect on you at all.
GL: Yeah, you're front and center. You're our audience, front and center.
SM: Uh oh.
GL: You represent twenty-three million people.
SM: Yeah, me and my grandma.
GL: There you go. I want her to write the next recap.
SM: It'd be amazing.
GL: I think that's a good idea, you should interview her on her thoughts and then work [them] into your recap.
SM: Ha! It'll just be "??????" and "zzzzz."
GL: And I have another idea, we should have the writers of the episodes review your review.
SM: Oh, great. Oh, no.
GL: How's that?
SM: And then we can all fall into the Matrix. I do get some hate mail, if that makes you feel any better. People like to tell me I suck, too.
GL: Does it bother you? It shouldn't bother you.
SM: You know, it depends. If they say something constructive and make a good point, then I'll give it a lot more weight. But if they're just saying I suck without anything behind that, I mean, I really can't learn from that, so, who cares?
GL: Yeah, I actually don't like when somebody says I suck, but if they say I suck and they're very funny about it, then I can go with that. If they can point out where I suck and make me laugh at the same time, I'll all for it.
SM: It's a fine line.
GL: Of course, I haven't happened to suck, ever.
SM: Yeah, but I'm watching and waiting. You slip up, I'll take you down.
GL: Okay, I've just pulled up to my house and ended my eternal commute. I'm glad we finally did this.
SM: I am too! And I'm actually having surgery on my feet tomorrow, so I'll be typing this up when I'm hobbling around and high on Vicodin. Irony!
GL: That will either be perfect or a disaster. We'll find out after.
SM: Well, if it's really bad I'll just have my grandma do it. Thank you so much for this and I'm looking forward to the rest of the Season 3!
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L'ignorante son mì!!!!